Get in, loser. We're gonna rig the erection.
More political advice in the aftermath of the election, and some general reflection on the state of the WWE.
Okay. So we’d been talking about what it was going to take for the Dems to win an election. I do realize that all this is kind of old news now, but never mind. I want a record of my advice so that we can say “I told you so” later on. (Or, perhaps, “See? Told you it would work.”)
Anyway, the point I was making was that they’ve been clinging on to this outdated idea of what capital-P Politics should look like. They’ve got to cut their losses. It’s time to face facts: the definition of what makes a candidate “qualified”/deserving will need a rollback facelift. If you are going to start fighting on the fronts that the modern voter actually cares about, that is. Here’s your blueprint: you will need a man. To put it bluntly: it mustn’t be overlooked that millions of people who voted for Trump (in 2016 and 2024) did so because he had the bigger penis of the two candidates. Technically, it was because he had one, while his opposition did not. (For many millions of people, “something” is always better than “nothing.” This applies to non-voters, too: they might not have refused to vote for Trump, but they couldn’t bring themselves to vote for a She/Her.)
This means, if you’ve not been keeping track, that he’s been able to win the “Whip-‘Em-Out” battle by default. . . Twice!! (And the one time he couldn’t, he lost. You think that’s a coincidence? Ignoring the data here is insane. Suicidal, even. It’s like giving your opponent in the 100-meter dash a five-minute head start.
Our guy’s going to need to be 35-50(ish), and at least 6 feet tall, and at least mildly handsome. These are non-negotiables; this is your bread and butter. Anyone putting together a winning team knows that you’ve got to start with a solid defense/foundation and build from there. You can never be too good at the fundamentals.
Obviously, this means he’ll have to be white (unless you’ve got another Obama in the pipeline, which you don’t). Trump got the endorsement of the KKK and the Taliban before the last few elections. Forget “Pennsylvania” and “Ohio,” those blocs are the real “swing states.” They’re your litmus test. We’ve gotta meet people where they are. This means we’ve got to start working with: Pornhub, Playboy, Call of Duty. Do those guys do political collabs/endorsements? If they don’t, we’ve gotta start negotiations ASAP. Everyone has a price.
What it comes down to is that you need someone who can, if nothing else, out-Alpha Trump. It doesn’t have to be a politician—indeed, it’s probably better if he’s not—but someone with a pre-existing fanbase would be ideal. (I was serious when I said Kamala would have done better with the Rock as her VP.) It doesn’t matter what he’s famous for; athlete, musician, podcaster, megachurch pastor. Free idea: astro-turf someone, Kim K-style, “leaking” a sex tape and revealing our prospective candidate’s massive hog. Needless to say, the “massive” bit is crucial.
. . . although, now that I think about it, I suppose we don’t actually know if it would need to be “massive.” Perhaps “above average” would be enough; I’m just erring on the side of caution here, as chief consultant. It just has to be observably bigger than Trump’s. This means getting our hands dirty, and paying/extorting any of the women whom Donald’s bragged about groping/screwing/exposing himself to to break their NDAs and cough up the deets. Who knows, you may get lucky; it could be an Epstein thing, where you find out it’s “very tiny” and “deformed,” a “teardrop”/ “egg” shaped thing.
Once you have this box checked, it goes without saying that the challenge [to “whip ‘em out and compare”] should be issued by our candidate early and often. It’s classic “pig-fucker” politics. Once you’ve raised the question, Trump will be backed into a corner: if he ignores it, people will take his silence as an admission of defeat. Even if he comes out and denies it, people still won’t believe him without evidence.
Crude, you may say. Unbecoming, even. But this sort of thinking is closer to what it’ll take to win than people want to admit. This is the WWE, and that means you need WWE-esque storylines. Trump’s a natural, he understands this. (He’ll have known that that assassination attempt back in the summer was gold dust.)
On that note, I watched the Mr. McMahon documentary on netflix recently. (For research purposes, obviously, as freelance consultant for the DNC.)
I didn’t watch WWE growing up, so it was all mostly new to me, even if it didn’t reveal anything particularly groundbreaking. It was striking how many parallels there were between him and Trump and their respective families. There’s the nature of their personal “brands,” of course. They both embody (conspicuously): Showbiz™, opulence, “prime-time TV.” To their credit, they both have an incredible knack for working a crowd.
Despite their “bad-boy,” image, relishing their role as “the villain you love to hate,” the irony is that they are magnificently effective apparatchiks for the state. They are popularizers/vulgarizers, caricaturing—but never condemning—our fetishized American ideals of “ruthless corporatism,” “masculinity,” “Dog-Eat-Dog” for their working class audience(s).
Both men, of course, are malignant narcissists who’ve spent their adult lives exploiting people and abusing power as they accumulated it. In terms of their families, there’s also their fail-son(s) who desperately want their approval, and who are willing to spend their whole lives debasing themselves to try and earn it. There’s also the sexually charged relationships with their “smokin’ hot” daughters. And there’s the chaos they’ve left in their wakes: affairs/allegations/lawsuits. Speaking of, check these messages out. Incredible. These are between McMahon and the female employee he was with (to be clear: the gray ones are from him). Disclaimer: Not for the faint of heart, or for those under 18.
See? It ties right back into what we were saying last time, re: Musk, et al.: the general public DOES NOT care that these self-styled “Alpha males” are obviously overcompensating/covering for something.
Anyway, most of the wrestlers they interview in the doc are surprisingly lucid (although they all deny the existence of CTE—which could be a symptom of CTE, or a “symptom” of still being employed by the company who gave it to them). In one of the interviews, the wrestler (Triple H, I think, or the Undertaker) is asked about the highly-controversial content of the so-called “Attitude” era of the WWE from the early 2000s, during which the storylines (most of which were drawn up by McMahon) shifted from generally kid-friendly to almost X-rated (gore, sex, xenophobia, etc.). He responds with something to the effect of: “Well, yeah, but the ratings hit record highs. We were just giving them what they wanted. So, who’s worse, the people who made the product, or the people who loved it? ”
The same sort of sleight of hand happens with Trump: the performer/millionaire pretends that he is (beneath the flashy facade) simply a humble man of the people, and that his relationship with them is not a parasocial/exploitative one, but is in fact symbiotic, their interests being totally aligned. By doing this, he absolves himself of any civic responsibility. It’s sort of like a parent or teacher letting a kid eat a whole bag of candy for breakfast, then saying, “Well, who’s worse? The one who put the candy on the table, or the one who ate it?”
The wrestlers can claim all they want that their audience is a discerning one, and that the product doesn’t have any bearing on their (the viewers’) reality/worldview, but if that’s the case then these fans deserve Oscars: There was another doc a few months earlier, called Wrestlers, which follows a semi-pro wrestling league based in Kentucky. That one’s way less polished, staging low-budget fights in fire-halls and car parks, but even there, the fans are clearly hugely invested. They may know it’s not strictly speaking “real life,” but that doesn’t mean they think it’s not deeply serious and worthwhile. It’s the same as “Disney/Harry Potter adults.”
…I’ll leave you with that for now. More next time.
In the meantime, here’s another one of those texts from our kinky wrestler man. (The link above only shows a fraction of the several hundred that got released; it took me hours to go through them all.)
I couldn’t believe my eyes when I stumbled upon this one. . . what on earth do you think it means?
It’s none of my business, but I hope she decides to do the right thing. (For her sake.)
Anyway,